What is Codependency

Co-Dependency is a concept and term that arose directly from Alcoholics Anonymous: Quite frequently, the life-partners or family members of the alcoholic were seen to exhibit patterns of thinking and behavior that existed in “lock-step” with those of the alcoholic.  From the outside, these symbiotic relationships could appear to be close-knit and happy, each member of the relationship seemingly perfectly suited for the other: the “yin”and the”yang.”

Upon closer observation, however, it was apparent that one partner was consistently creating “messes” in his or her life (generally the alcoholic), and the other partner was consistently cleaning those messes up.  As a result of this dysfunctional adaptation to each other’s (perhaps unconscious) roles in the relationship, these two persons ceased to function as two separate individuals,  but rather they became more like two” half-persons” creating one whole person.

Today, Co-Dependency (or codependency) can be generally defined as: An addiction to relationships that are characterized by one person having an excessive need to help another person, whom, in turn, becomes overly dependent on that help, thus maintaining an “endless cycle of over- and under-functioning” that neither individual can thrive in nor escape from.

Without intervention, each person in this scenario will likely suffer from loneliness, low self-esteem, and frustration. If the relationship is a romantic one, one (or both) of the partners may even seek out a new  and “better” person to become involved with (see also infidelity), someone with whom, almost inevitably, he or she will find himself/herself playing a similar dysfunctional role as the new relationship progresses.

The “problem” in the relationship may be alcohol or drugs, but it may easily be something else.  Anyone who finds themselves consistently falling for people who seem to be emotionally, mentally, or physically unavailable, due to, for example, a gambling problem, a mental or physical illness, an eating disorder, a sexual addiction or pattern of infidelity, workaholism, a narcissistic personality, abusive tendencies, or any other issue that creates a barrier to true intimacy in a relationship, can thus be described as being “codependent.”