Are you a People Pleaser or CoDependent?

Are you the kind of person that hates to disappoint other people? Does it make you anxious to have to tell someone “no” so much that you will do the thing they ask even if it causes you considerable hardship? Do you feel as if you give to everyone and yet rarely do you get anything in return?

If any of these scenarios describe you, you probably aren’t a people pleaser, you’re more likely co-dependent.

Codependency is defined as: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction. But over the decades it has come to include the broader definitions described above because the dynamic is the same. The person who is codependent isn’t the person who has the illness or the addiction, as some might believe, but the person whom they rely upon for support. You can look at it this way, the person who has the illness or addiction has a valid reason for being dependent on another person, just as a child does. However, the person for whom they rely is just as reliant on their illness or addiction to provide the need for support.

A person who is codependent needs to feel needed. Even if it makes them angry and upset that other people are potentially using them or they are letting themselves be taken advantage of.

A person who is codependent is usually described as a caring person and someone who is kind and nice because they put other people’s needs before their own. But this isn’t alway true. In fact, the person who puts others needs in front of their own can be passive aggressive, angry, spiteful and even vengeful. That’s hardly nice.

People who are codependent aren’t necessarily doing the good deeds for other because it is the right thing to do or the nice thing to do. In fact their motives for doing anything may have very little to do with the person in need at all. The reason most codependent people do what they do — putting others before them — is because they fear the confrontation that may occur if they tell someone they are unavailable or can’t do what is being asked of them.

People who are codependent have a difficult time navigating relationships. For whatever reason, and there are many, the codependent person fears telling their significant other that they cannot or will not do something they have asked. It could be fear of abandonment, fear of retaliation, fear of confrontation or many other fears. But it does come from a fear and no relationship is healthy if it is being driven by fear.

Be letting family and friends treat you like a doormat that is expected role you give yourself in any relationship. The only way to break that expectation is to start treating yourself better. If you allow someone to yell at you when you make a mistake, if you allow them to stand you up without consequence, if you allow people to lie to you or to cheat on you… they will inevitably treat you that way. Getting out of a codependent relationship is difficult but it can be done. The problem is, without sufficient understanding and self work you’re likely to find another codependent relationship that was just as negative as the one you left.

In order to have a healthy relationship you must be willing to take a chance and stand up for yourself, to be more assertive. Some partners, coworkers, parents, siblings or anyone you have a relationship with might find your new behavior not only challenging but scary. They have expectations of you and when you go outside of the role that both of you find comfortable there will inevitably be conflict. Some relationships have difficulty making this adjustment and may not last through the changes you need to make to assert your own personality.

Change can be scary but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to be a more assertive person who is less interested in pleasing others at any cost. Does being more assertive mean you still can’t do nice things for people or help them out when they are in need? Of course not, but it does mean when you are faced with helping or assisting a partner, friend, loved one or coworker that you do what is being asked of you because it is something that mutually benefits you in a more healthy way. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a great resource for those who are looking to be more assertive and less codependent.